Cedric Diggory, the Inferi
by Troublemaker-In-Chief
Summary: Bella Swan finds a mysterious newspaper with a picture of Edward Cullen in it. They call him 'Cedric Diggory' and an 'Inferi' and urge anyone with information on him to call their toll-free hotline. Major Twilight bashing!


**Author's note: Pretend wizards use phones.**

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. But so do I. And so do you, reader. JK Rowling wrote the story, but once we read it, it became **_**our**_** world too. The story and characters belong to everyone who loves them dearly, which includes me.**

**~In the Muggle world: Forks, Washington, USA~**

Bella sat in Edward's lap, gazing into his butterscotch eyes. His freezing cold, rock-hard arms wrapped around her bony waist and held her close, like she was a precious but fragile doll. Edward ran his white fingers through her brown hair. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she nearly fainted. Drool dribbled down her chin.

"Bella, my love, my lovely love..." Edward murmured.

"Oh, Edward, love." Bella whispered for some reason. Why would she whisper? Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they randomly started whispering for no reason? Imagine it in your head. Seems awkward, doesn't it?

Bella, being a sex-starved lunatic slid her hands under Edward's shirt and felt up his abs. He cringed; he didn't like it when girls did that. Boys, sure, but girls? Ew. Icky! Cooties! But Bella stopped feeling up his goodies when she felt her hand brush against something. A piece of paper...why was Edward hiding a piece of paper under his shirt? Her hand curled around it and pulled it out.

"What's this?" Bella asked.

She saw that it wasn't a piece of paper, but an entire newspaper. Why would Edward hide a newspaper under his shirt?

"Oh, erm, just the morning paper." Edward looked away nervously. He snatched the newspaper out of her hands and shoved it under his shirt again. "I need to be going now. On a hunting trip. With Emmett. Yeah, that's it. A hunting trip. I better be going, right now."

"Edward! But wait!" She protested as he ran toward the window. "Why were you hiding the newspaper under your shirt?"

"I can't answer that! I'm late for hunting! Bye!" Edward dove out the window headfirst, in an attempt to look cool, no doubt.

Bella stomped her foot like a spoiled brat being dragged away from a toy store. She pouted. Why was Edward hiding things from her? Was Victoria back? Did it say something about the mysterious killings in Seattle? Bella wondered if Victoria was going to try to kill her. (We can only hope)

But wait! What's that on the floor by the window...?

The newspaper! It must have fell out of Edward's shirt when he pulled a_ wannabe-James-Bond _out the window! Bella ran over to it and picked it up. She unfolded it and spread it out on her bed, reading it sneakily.

_**Daily Prophet**_

**Cedric Diggory: Alive or Inferi?**

**Cedric Diggory, a Hogwarts Champion of the Triwizard Tournament two years ago, was allegedly spotted by Italian wizards Lorus and Colorus Melani. Lorus, age 35, currently residing in Volterra, claims to have seen Diggory during the St. Marcus Day Parade a few months ago. When asked to describe the exact details of what he saw, he said, "It was Cedric Diggory, all right. I recognized the kid immediately. Now that everyone knows You-Know-Who is back and the kid was killed by him at the end of the tournament, his picture has been in the papers every few days. But I saw him, all right, and he was alive. I think he might have taken up a job as a Street Performer, 'cos he took his shirt off and started glittering."**

**However, Colorus Melani doesn't agree. She says, "Oh, we saw him all right, but he wasn't alive. He was as pale as death, and looked like a corpse. His hair was sticking up all over the place."**

**But the one thing Colorus and Lorus agree on is that moments after Diggory appeared, a group of cloaked figures came and ushered him into a dark alleyway, along with a girl he called "Bella." Could those cloaked figures have been Death Eaters? Could this mysterious Bella be the infamous Bellatrix Lestrange? Is Cedric Diggory alive and well, or just an Inferi being strung along like a puppet at the whim of You-Know-Who, Bellatrix Lestrange and his motley crew?**

Beneath this article, Bella saw a picture of Edward captioned with the words: **Cedric Diggory, at age 17. He is said to look paler and less attractive now. If you see him, do not approach, for he may be an Inferi being controlled by You-Know-Who. Also, Bellatrix Lestrange may be with him. Instead of approaching him, call our toll-free hotline: 1-800-I-just-saw-Cedric-Diggory-walking-around-like-a-zombie-and-now-I'm-calling-this-number-to-report-what-I-saw. It will directly connect you to a trained professional who knows how to deal with this problem.**

She scratched her head in confusion. Wizards? Inferi? Cedric Diggory? But that's not Cedric, that's Edward! And who was You-Know-Who? Bella didn't-know-who! She didn't know much of anything, really. This would require lots of thinking, and Bella didn't like thinking. She _tried_ thinking once, but she had to scrunch up her face really hard and concentrate with all her might, and it made her head hurt. Then Edward patted her head like a dog and said, "Good girl, Bella! You did a good job! But don't worry, _I'll_ do your thinking for you from now on. Now you just go sit down and try not to think for yourself. It shouldn't be too hard, you're already good at it."

Bella was angry. These stupid people didn't even know what Edward's name was! They were being all icky and dumb and calling him Cedric! How dare they!? She grabbed her phone and angrily dialed: 1-800-I-just-saw-Cedric-Diggory-walking-around-like-a-zombie-and-now-I'm-calling-this-number-to-report-what-I-saw

The phone didn't even ring. Someone picked up immediately,

"Kingsley Shacklebolt speaking. Do you have information on Cedric Diggory?" A deep, sexy voice asked.

_Kingsley, _Bella scoffed inside her head. _What a dumb name. Its not sexy, like Edward's name is._

"Yeah, I think you're a big dummy-head!" Bella said. Edward had forbid Bella from using the term 'big dummy-head' in public, because he said it embarrassed him, but they weren't in public, so it didn't matter. And besides, Bella didn't even know what the word '_embarrassed'_ even meant. It was too long. She tried to pronounce it once but she had to scrunch up her face and concentrate with all her might, but she kept stumbling on the syllables. Eventually Edward patted her on the head and said, "Good girl, Bella! But remember our little talk about thinking too hard? Why don't you go sit down over there and don't say any big words? It shouldn't be too hard, you're already good at it!"

"I'm a...I'm a what?" The deep voice on the other end of the line sounded confused.

"Big dummy-head!" Bella repeated. Gosh, this guy was stupid.

"Big _'dummy-head'_?" He asked. "Have you been drinking Firewhiskey?"

"No, I'm just mad!" Bella stomped her foot. "I'm really mad! You've been calling my lovely love Edward 'Cedric Diggory' in that weird newspaper, and he totally isn't Cedric. His name is Edward. Edward Cullen. Oh, and by the way, he's totally hot and rich and has a big beautiful family with smart parents named Carlisle and Esme, and he lives in a big mansion on the outskirts of Forks, Washington. He also attends Forks High School. Not that you'd ever need to know that information to track him down and interrogate him, or anything."

"Why, you're completely right, little girl. We must have made some mistake. We deeply apologize." The man said. "And don't expect us to use that information you just blurted out to track him down and show up in your town with highly trained Aurors ready to interrogate him, because we totally will not do that."

"Kay! Thanks!" Bella hung up.

She lay down on her bed, smiling. Glad that's over! Those dummy-heads will know better than to mistake Edward for someone named Cedric anymore. She opened her copy of Wuthering Heights and started to read it, because she's totally intelligent and intellectual for reading classic literature. Eventually she drifted off to sleep with Edward's gloriously beautiful face in her mind.

--XX--XX--XX--

**The Wizard World: The Auror Department, London**

Kingsley Shacklebolt hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" Nymphadora Tonks asked as she spun around in her swivel-chair.

"A muggle. American. Has information on Cedric Diggory." Kingsley said. "She says we must be mistaken, his name isn't Cedric Diggory, he's actually Edward Cullen. '_Edward Cullen'_ is apparently wealthy and attractive with parents named Carlisle and Esme, and lives on the outskirts of Forks Washington. Oh, and his girlfriend is a dimwit."

"So let me get this straight: Cedric Diggory is hiding out in America, dating a moronic muggle, pretending to be someone named Edward Cullen?" Tonks summed it up.

"Pretty much. I promised the girl that we must have made some mistake, and we won't show up in her town to interrogate him." Kingsley said.

"So what are we going to do?"

"Show up in their town to interrogate him, of course. Get the veritaserum."


End file.
